What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
