the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
