you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
