What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
