Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The air was thick with penises
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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