Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
