When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
