I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
