I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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