I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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