Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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