I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
