after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
