Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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