You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
