We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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