yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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