I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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