I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
