The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
