I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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