Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
