My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
