I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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