When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
