Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
