At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
