This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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