woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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