I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
