Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
