I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
