Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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