Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
