don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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