If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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