We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
