I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
