I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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