My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
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We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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