the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
