Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
