I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
