I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
