I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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