"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
