Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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