Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
