I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
