i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
