Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
