i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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