sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
