I accidentally had phone sex last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
