oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
