Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
