New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
