I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
