literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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